Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Those nachos came to me in a dream
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
