mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
