She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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