Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
