Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He has the fingertips of a God
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