you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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