Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
