It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
