O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
