God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
