I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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