I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
