Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
