so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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