Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
