On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
