I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
