Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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