I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
