whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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