and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
