I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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