I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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