Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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