so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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