remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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