I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
