it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
