he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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