I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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