The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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