where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
