Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
