Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
