This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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