can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
