My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
