Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
