My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
