My vagina just recognized that song.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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