Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Please, let me fuck your mom
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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