tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my shit smells like andre
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
