All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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