im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
