My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You're like the curious george of whores
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
