This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
