totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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