we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
