there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Oh god it's open bar.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
