I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
